I can’t believe my last post was in APRIL! Actually…who am I kidding I can totally believe it. I feels as though life has been like a tornado swirling around me and just taking me along for the ride. Parker is getting bigger and more mobile, which means I am getting busier. And then I threw in nursing school. It seems that whenever I blink, I experience another life transition.
Not so reassuring for miss I-hate-change and everything-must-be-perfect.
First let me say how impressed I am with my program, my cohort, and my professors. I have been to so many schools and completed so many programs (undergrad, study abroad, grad school) and this has got to be my favorite so far. I finally love every bit of material I am studying (yes, even the respiratory system) and feel like I am where I am meant to be. Everyone is so collaborative, friendly, and equally as terrified as I am. It really works for us 🙂
It was difficult to leave Parker at daycare the first day, but (confession!) it was not that hard. It felt freeing and so wonderful to be intellectually stimulated and have the ability to have adult conversations. I feel like I am dropping him off everyday so I can accomplish something really great, and fulfill my other purpose in life.
Don’t get me wrong, being a mother is so important to me. But I feel that being in school and coming home after a full day of being passionate about something and learning hands-on skills makes me a better mom.
And you guys…nursing school is hard. It is so mentally taxing and there is so much to learn. Just when you feel like you finally have your head above water you are hit with a challenging test or material that seems like a foreign language. Or a lecture about how you BETTER NOT MESS THIS UP BECAUSE PEOPLE’S LIVES ARE IN YOUR HANDS!!! I feel so guilty when I am not studying, no matter what day it is or what time it is. And then I feel guilty that I am not spending more time with Parker. The word balance comes to mind, and it is honestly the most dangerous word because really, do we ever achieve this perfect “life balance” everyone is always talking about? You have the perfect career but you’re not married yet or you have a baby but you still haven’t found your dream job or you met the right person but you can’t seem to get on the baby train. It’s exhausting!
I was so scared before I started school. Scared that I would not cut it, would not be good enough or smart enough, or strong enough to handle the expectations and still be there for my husband and my baby. There is a reason it took me 10 years to get to this point. But somehow I managed to pack all of my self-doubt into a little (large?) suitcase and ship it off somewhere, because there is just no more room or time for it anymore. That is the great thing about nursing school. It forces you to get over whatever fear or emotional breakdown you are having because there is always another test to study for or chapter to read or 17537368136th practice question to complete. So you drink some coffee, put on your yoga pants, and handle it because girl, you do not have any other choice.
So try to enjoy the unbalanced. And I will try to write more posts!